


A Change of Heart

by kuhekabir



Series: Lucky Star [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 18:04:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3078812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuhekabir/pseuds/kuhekabir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim accidentally reveals his hidden past, Spock decides that Jim is his and Bones might need anger management lessons...</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Change of Heart

[](http://pics.livejournal.com/kuhekabir/pic/0004rp0e/)

II – A Change Of Heart

“Who are you?” Bones' annoyed tone could wake anyone and it was precisely at that moment that Jim was slowly returning to consciousness.

He knew that he was in bad shape; he didn't need to be fully coherent to figure that one out but after having crashed the last time he had tried to open his eyes he was really quite wary to try it again.

It was ridiculous of course but after the day from hell he had just experienced he couldn't be blame for being over cautious.

“Suvok.” came the stoic answer and Jim wondered why a strange Vulcan would try and bother Bones in his sick bay.

The rest of the conversation was muffled and it could've been that Jim passed out again, either way when he slowly found the strength to open his eyes, he found Bones looking down on him.

He gave a little start because that was just unsettling but then his eyelids fluttered open again, revealing his cerulean eyes.

“I've had a bad day...” Jim slowly formed the words and he could see Bones' need to swat him over the head for it but instead his friend just decided to run some diagnostics instead.

Jim was about to close his eyes when he felt his hand being held.

“You're out of the woods now Jimmy...” Bones quiet voice for once told him more than his screaming because it showed just how tired his friend was and just how close he had come to not waking up again. “Your readings have improved and I think most of the drugs are out of your system now...you'll be in some pain but I don't dare give you anything for it...not right now...”

Bones sounded apologetic for it and Jim would probably feel very sorry for himself soon but quite honestly being drug free was quite a relief because he couldn't quite remember the last coherent thought that he had had.

His thinking was still muffled in a way but it was good to know that he was on the mend. Even if he didn't quite feel like it, he trusted the Bones wouldn't lie to him, not when it came to his health.

He wetted his lips, still conscious that someone was holding his hand but all his focus was on his friend because apparently right now the ability to multi task was escaping him. “What happened?” he slowly asked and he saw Bones looking quite unhappy with the question.

“Let's not worry about that for now...” Bones was now petting his hair, which had Jim widening his eyes because he couldn't recall the last time when someone had petted his hair. “Spock will surely give you a full report once you're better, for now just rest...can you do that?” for me...was implied and Jim just nodded, feeling quite tired all of sudden again.

Maybe all the questions could indeed wait for a bit...

~~

He slowly opened his eyes again and for the first time he wondered just how much time had actually passed. He had no idea if his naps or loss of consciousness (or coma, as per Bones) had lasted hours or days.

He could've been passed out for a few minutes but something in the way Bones had urged him to wake up told him that he must have been unconscious for quite some time.

Bones always fretted but there had been a certain urgency to his voice that was unprecedented, telling Jim without so many words just how dire the situation had really been.

He became aware again that someone was holding his hand so he slowly re-directed his line of sight towards the person sitting in a chair next to his bed.

His blue eyes widened when he saw no other but the older version of Spock, sitting calmly in the chair, staring at him as if he had nothing better to do.

Jim blinked again, trying to decide whether he was seeing things or if Spock was really here and when he spoke the older man's name out loud he was immediately corrected, “It is Suvok now...” he was informed and it took Jim a few seconds to understand that he wasn't supposed to call Spock by his name because no one was supposed to know who he really was.

If anything were to show him just how messed up he still was then it would be this because usually he wasn't this slow on the uptake of things.

“What are you doing here?” Jim eventually asked, searching his mind for any information but he came up with nothing.

To his information Spock had been on New Vulcan and it made no sense at all for him to be here now.

“Do you remember reaching out to me?” Spock said calmly but his eyes were burning with an intensity that made Jim almost uneasy but not necessarily in a bad way.

He frowned, shaking his head slightly because he couldn't recall calling the man and surely if he had been unconscious he couldn't have gotten up and actually invited him to come here.

It was then he remembered the strange presence in his mind, when he had been fighting the pain, looking for a way to shield himself, he recalled someone calling his name, startled even but that really made not a lick of sense.

Jim became aware that Spock was still holding on to his hand, his thumb slowly caressing the inside of his palm while his other hand was placed much higher on his wrist.

There was something about hands and Vulcans that nudged at his mind but he was already shutting his eyes again before that thought could take hold.

Before he close his eyes though he opened them again to hear the older Spock say one word, “T'hy'la.”

Jim's confusion was now evident, his blue eyes hiding nothing and his gaze was so locked onto the older Spock that he barely heard the gasp from his other side.

He did hear his own Spock's heated words though, which was strange because the Vulcan usually had a lot more control than that, “Get your hands of my captain...”

Jim blinked again, his blue eyes now darting back to his own Spock who still stood stiff and stoic but his eyes betrayed him. There was a firestorm going on in those dark eyes of his and Jim involuntarily flinched because he remembered the last time Spock had looked like that. That was when Jim had tried to get him to admit that he was emotionally compromised, which had ended with him getting strangled.

It took him a few seconds to decipher that this time around the heated glare wasn't directed at him but at the older Spock and only then panic set in because those two weren't supposed to meet. Hadn't the older Spock said that the universe would implode or something like that if his younger version found out about him?

“Uhm...” Jim slowly clearly his throat and he felt slightly uncomfortable when now two sets of dark eyes were focused on him.

“Don't distress yourself, my friend...” said the older Spock while Jim mentally ordered himself to call him Suvok from now on because if he got used to it then the chances of him slipping up would be reduced. “Spock knows who I am. As a matter of fact we met before...”

Jim blinked, the implications finally settling in. ”You lied to me?” he hissed, heart beat speeding up and he was barely aware that he was setting off another row of monitors because for a second there he thought that the beeping was happening inside his head.

“I implied...it was imperative that you and Spock learned to work together and that you became the Captain of the Enterprise...Vulcans do not lie...”

Jim was about to call Suvok on his bullshit because while he might be able to justify it to himself as implying, the truth of it was that he had still lied to him.

“Please remove yourself.” Spock said, voice carrying across the sick bay, “You're upsetting the Captain...”

“What's going on here...?” Bones was already back, tricorder in hand and Jim was only glad that his current situation prevented Bones from injecting him with yet another hypo when the beeping above his head geared up a notch.

He tried to tilt his head back, trying to figure out what was going on because he felt just fine. Maybe a little bit floaty, if that was word but otherwise just fine...

Was the light dimming?

Why were his ears ringing?

Was this never going to end?

“What about no excitement was so hard to understand?” Bones hissed but Jim was already fading so he couldn't figure out whom his friend was mad at.

At least for once Bones wasn't screaming at him.

And who was excited?

Surely it wasn't him...

He might be a little bit upset at finding out that someone he trusted had lied to him but surely that couldn't be the cause for all of this?

~~

“Bones I'm bored, “ Jim whined but it was of no use. His friend was shaking his head, not giving into Jim's pleading looks.

“No.”Bones said firmly, “You're not allowed to have any visitors until you're better...”

“But I'm fine, “Jim protested, trying to prove it by getting out of bed only to end up in Bones' arms when the room started spinning around him.

“You're not fine yet...but you will be...” Bones assured, “But until then and until you manage not to get agitated when those two Vulcan’s show up, you're not allowed any company...”

“But surely Sulu or Checkov would like to stop by...” Jim tried to talk Bones out of his idea of solitary confinement but his friend wasn't hearing any of it.

“No, Jim...this is my final word as your doctor...you've been through an ordeal, you need the rest and apparently visitors upset you...just relax and rest.”

Jim pouted because this was easier said than done and for once his pleading looks had no effect what so ever on his friend.

How was he supposed to relax and avoid getting agitated when he was bored out of his mind?

He wasn't even allowed a datapad so he was reduced to just lying there, listening to music.

Arghhh!

~~

Jim fidgeted with the hem of his shirt; not because he was nervous, Jim Kirk doesn't do nervous, he might be slightly apprehensive but that was about it.

“Look...” Bones didn't seem to be too happy with this situation either but for once Jim wasn't going to try to make this easier on his friend.

Talking served nothing apart from dredging up unwanted memories – he was coping, he was fine and it wasn't as if he could actually remember what Danner had done to him apart from the excruciating pain.

“This wasn't my idea but life goes on and apparently Starfleet really wanted us to do a supply run to Vulcan...” Bones still hadn't gotten to the point and Jim just stared, taking a small comfort in the fact that he made his friend even more uneasy.

“I'm not a psychologist but I'm apparently the only one qualified on this ship for you to talk about what happened and as you know, this is a regulation and Pike himself made sure that we follow it...so talk...”

Jim sighed; he knew that being stubborn about this didn't really prove anything and despite taking some delight in making Bones sweat for it, he knew that this was counter productive. If Bones just got a little doubt that he was unfit for command Bones would write it up and that would be the end of Jim Kirk, Captain.

And his friend wouldn't even be sorry about it...

“Look...” Jim finally said something, rubbing his chin to buy himself some time to order his thoughts, “I know that this wasn't your idea and I get it...”

Pleading blue eyes locked with Bones' own but his friend didn't take the bait. Jim sighed again, continuing, “I don't like talking about my feelings...” the way Jim emphasised the word feelings clearly indicated just how much he hated the notion and Bones just nodded because his friend knew very well what Jim thought about sharing and caring.

It wasn't that they never talked about stuff but it usually involved quite an enormous amount of booze giving them an out the next morning to pretend that last night had never happened. That was working for them and Jim really didn't want to change that habit but he knew that this wasn't Bones' call.

This was regulation and he would have to give his friend something to write up; and it would have to be believable.

“And I don't even remember what happened...” Jim offered and even he knew that this wasn't going to be good enough but he still had to try.

“You don't remember?” Bones said and Jim fidgeted on his chair because from the look Bones was sending his way, he might have just revealed something that his friend didn't like. 

“I remember the pain...” Jim said slowly, closing his eyes, trying to think back even though he rather would not. “I remember waking up and being too disoriented to put up any fight when he knocked me out...and then...” Jim paused for a moment; the silence heavy in the room and for once Bones didn't fill it with words.

“Then...I remember being strapped to a bed, tied up and then...there was just pain...I remember thinking that I needed to go somewhere...that I needed to get away from the pain...and then there is just...nothing...lots of bits and pieces about you and others...until I woke up here...”

Jim opened his eyes, blue eyes unfocused for a moment and unfortunately Bones didn't seem all too happy with what he had revealed.

Something occurred to Jim that he hadn't thought of before and his breath hitched. What if...?

“Did...did he...? Uhm...” Jim was reluctant to spell it out but in the end, he had no choice, “Did he rape me?”

He averted his eyes and he already feared the worst when he heard the sharp intake of breath from Bones but then the next few words reassured him, “No Jim...he didn't...he tortured you but he didn't get that far...”

Jim frowned because that sounded as if he had gotten that far with someone else.

“He said that I wasn't going to be his last...what did he mean by that?” Jim asked and even though his friend looked reluctant to talk about it, in the end he gave in.

And Jim was glad because he had a right to know why he had been taken and what had happened.

“It was Spock who put it all together...” Bones finally said, “I don't know how but that green blooded bastard figured it all out and tracked you down...”

Jim just nodded and his friend continued, “You weren't Danner's first and you surely wouldn't have been his last...He was...the Carver...”

The way Bones pronounced that name told Jim that the title should mean something to him and when he frowned and shook his head Bones threw his hands up in the air, looking exasperated.

“Don't you do anything but chase skirts around? Don't you follow the news?”

Jim just shrugged because he might read the headlines but he figured that his job was important enough and if there was anything that concerned him, there would be a memo or Spock would tell him. He had better things to do with his spare time than to follow the news.

“The Carver killed his first victim about five years ago...carved her up real good and before you there were two others...and yes, the others were sexually assaulted but thankfully Spock got to you before it got that far...”

Jim felt some sort of relief wash over him because there had been a part of him that had wondered what he could've possibly done to make Danner come after him but the man clearly had been deranged long before he had met him so this really hadn't been his fault at all.

“Good...” Jim sighed, torture was bad enough but it would've really pissed him off if the lunatic had gotten him in the end. It wouldn't really have been his fault but it would've really made him mad.

“It's not like I don't know how to deal with it but I'm better coping with pain and bruises than that...” Jim said quietly, not really thinking about what he was saying and he only realized when the words were out of his mouth that he might have given away too much.

“Uhm...not that I'm used to any of it...” he flailed, trying to make up for his little slip, “You know what I mean...I'm just reckless, getting hurt a lot...nothing to worry about, right?”

He lifted his blue eyes to look hopefully at his friend but sadly Bones was way to intelligent to fall for it.

“Jim...” Bones said gravely and by the quiet tone of his voice he knew that he was in trouble now. “Do you mean to tell me that you've been raped before?”

“Uhm...” Jim fidgeted again on his seat.

He could just lie but even he knew that from the way he looked, all uncomfortable and shifty that it would have to be a rather good one and right now he wasn't coming up with anything that his good friend would believe.

“Look...”he said instead, “It was a long time ago...I can't even really remember it...the whole few months is sort of just a blur, and it's not really relevant now, now is it?” he was smiling his most winning smile but it faltered when Bones got up, pacing his office, clearly agitated.

“There is nothing in your records indicating more than just standard abuse...” Bones muttered and then added, “Not that there is anything standard about abuse...but you know what I mean...”

Sadly Jim knew what Bones meant but he was done talking now because look where that had gotten him!

“Look after the rescue, records weren't really all that well kept and I guess Frank, my step father really wanted to make sure that my mother didn't find out...so there aren't any records for you to find...”

Jim blinked, had he really just said that?

Had he lost his mind?

Because if Bones had looked upset before, now he was downright agitated and for the life of Jim really couldn't see a way out of this apart from running away and Jim hadn't run from a single thing in his life yet!

He decided that the best way to approach this was to nip it in the butt, to just come out and tell Bones what had happened and then his friend could see for himself that he was fine and hopefully that would put the whole thing to rest and he could go back to his life, ignoring his own demons.

It had worked for him so far so clearly it was working.

“I was on Tarsus IV, Bones...” he said evenly even though he didn't feel calm at all, “I was thirteen I think at the time and I was only there for a few months...but that was enough...Frank just got tired of me and he sent me away for the summer. Was just my bad luck that he picked that summer...”

Bones paled even further but the pacing had stopped and Jim wasn't so sure if that was a good sign or not.

“Can we not talk about this please?” Jim was pleading now but unfortunately Bones had other ideas because his friend walked over, pulled up a chair and then sat down right in front of him, making sure that Jim couldn't just run away.

Not that he really could've because the nurses out there were on strict orders not to let him leave and he was still shaky enough on his legs that he wouldn't really have gotten far anyway.

“Bones...I'm fine...” Jim tried again and he unprepared for his friend to grab his shoulder and to give him a good shake.

“Auwww...stop that...” Jim pushed his friend's hands away but the doctor's stormy eyes still held him in place regardless, “You're not fine Jim.” Bones said, “You can't be.”

“Look...” Jim said, tiredly rubbing his eyes because this conversation was getting old and while he understood that his friend was prodding and sticking his nose into things where he shouldn't be because he cared, it didn't make Jim like the topic any better. “I admit that I had nightmares for years...still do sometimes...” he said slowly, “and I'm not saying that the memories aren't awful...but mostly I was just hungry back then...trying to stay alive anyway I could...”

And Bones was smart enough to read between the lines and put two and two together even though Jim hadn't actually spelled out the words. There wasn't much a thirteen old boy could do to get some food when a whole planet was starving but the one thing that Jim would've been able to sell was himself and Bones had seen enough of Jim to know that as boy, blond and blue eyed, he must have appeared like eye candy to some freaks.

“I stayed alive, “Jim added with more force, “I learned how to survive and how to move on and I'm not trying to say that it was easy but I'm still here...”Jim pointed at himself, raising an eye brow to show that he wasn't some victim here hiding in the bushes and crying his eyes out.

“You're not fine Jim...” Bones said again, “I finally understand where your suicidal tendencies come from and quite frankly for all his arguing, the hobgoblin you call your first officer is always right behind you. He's probably just as messed up in his Vulcan mind as you are, he's just hiding it better.”

When had this changed from poor Jim to let's hate Spock?

“Please...can we stop talking about it?” Jim pleaded because this was making him really uncomfortable and quite frankly it was in the past; there was nothing to be done about it. The events had shaped him into the man he now was and while, if given a choice, he would rather not have gone through all of it, he couldn't change it now.

“I'll give you that...” Bones said slowly, finally getting up from the chair, “You got some good coping mechanisms which is why I won't be recommending that you need any counselling...”

But before Jim could express his gratitude Bones had to ruin it by saying, “On one condition...you talk to me if you can't sleep. I know when you show up at breakfast after a sleepless night and if I catch you doing it again without having come to me first, I will make sure that you regret it.”

Jim sighed; he didn't like it but he knew that Bones meant it.

“Fine, “he said, “Can I now go back to my quarters?”

Bones rolled his eyes, “Maybe tomorrow I will release you but only if you promise me not to exhaust yourself.”

Jim rolled his eyes, Bones made it sound as if he didn't know what was good for him.

~~

He woke up silently gasping for air and he barely noticed that he was clenching the bedspreads between his fingers, nearly ripping it apart.

The nightmare was still clinging to the edges of his mind but it was fading quickly and thankfully no one had been around to see it. He had learned the hard way not to make any sound when he woke up and he was really thankful for it now because he knew that Bones was around and he didn't want to give his friend any excuse to keep him in sick bay for a few days longer.

Even though he gave his friend grief about returning to work, he knew that he wasn't yet ready for it but that didn't mean that he had to admit it out loud. Once he was in his own quarters he could at least get some paper work done because the world didn't slow down for anyone and least of all for the youngest captain in Starfleet.

He slowly unclenched his fingers, closing his eyes and willing his body to relax.

Eventually he drifted off to sleep again.

~~

“I can walk on my own...” Jim insisted but apparently Spock was deaf because he was still there, hovering close enough to almost be invading his personal space.

For once Jim was grateful that Spock was a touch telepath because he was quite certain that anyone else would have grabbed his hand and tried to walk him to his own quarters as if he were a dog.

“Of course Captain...” Spock inclined his head but Jim wasn't fooled. Spock was humouring him because he still hadn't moved and given him more space.

Jim sighed, slowly making his way forward, smiling at the crew members who passed him and it took him a few minutes to figure out why no one stopped to talk to him because Spock was behind him and apparently he was sending out none-existing Vulcan glares to anyone who even hinted at stopping.

“Stop it Spock, “Jim said, “If someone wants to talk to me they can...stop frightening my crew away...”

Jim didn't have to turn around to know that one eyebrow got raised but Spock didn't fool him, he knew what his first officer was up to but what he couldn't figure out was why.

For six months Spock had ignored him and now that he had been released he was hovering around as if Bones had implanted him with a worry chip. To be honest it was slightly freaking him out and he was looking forward to some time on his own.

He keyed in the combination and his door opened. He took a few tentative steps forward and when he finally reached the sofa, he sat down, momentarily closing his eyes.

He had come a long way; physically he was mostly healed but his body had gone through so much in such a short period of time that even the best medication hadn't been able to allow him to just bounce back from it.

His body was still healing and apparently that took a lot of energy which resulted in him sleeping for hours on end, if he didn't have any nightmares, and feeling generally just weak.

He hadn't bothered to figure out exactly what injuries he had sustained because it was bad enough that he still remembered the echoes of pain, he didn't really need to be able to associate them with anything physical and real.

It was obvious to him though that his knees and legs must have suffered some sort of injuries because his right leg was giving him some trouble while standing and even though Bones assured him that he just needed to get used to it again, bone and muscle regeneration apparently only could do so much, he still was put out by it because it made him unsteady on his feet.

He opened his eyes, slowly pulling his shirt over his head, deciding on the spot that he was going to have a shower and it was only when he had pulled his shirt over his head that he nearly suffered a heart attack because Spock was still with him in the room, standing there silently.

“Spock!” Jim gasped, heart racing, “What are you trying to do? Kill me?”

Spock managed to look puzzled while not moving at all but Jim was on to the man so he just glared right back. “What are you doing here?” he demanded to know and before he could discharge his shirt, Spock had grabbed it out of his hands, was folding it and then neatly putting it down on chair.

“Dr. McCoy asked me to keep you company and since I am not required on the bridge until tomorrow morning, I thought it best to continue my work from here.”

Jim just gaped because he couldn't believe it. He had finally been released only to end up with a baby sitter and Spock on top of it!

Only a week or so ago he would've probably jumped with joy at the chance to spend some time with his first officer, to get the chance to talk but all he felt now was irritation because Spock didn't even like him, to him he wasn't even worth any effort to start a friendship with and now he was here babysitting him?

Jim took a deep breath, vowing not to let the Vulcan get to him. If Spock could ignore him then he could do the same thing.

“Fine...” he managed to say, “I'm going to take a shower. Make yourself at home...” he waved with his hand around and then he slowly walked over to the bathroom.

“Do you need any company?” Spock offered and after Jim recovered from a coughing fit he just shook his head.

“Thanks...” he said, “I think I can shower on my own and you know...” he smiled desperately, “If I do end up on my ass I am sure your sensitive ears will hear me...so I'm good...just good...” and now he was rambling but could anyone blame him?

This was just too bizarre, so he quickly closed the distance, shut the door behind him and then he leaned against it, catching his breath.

Had Spock been hit on his head?

Was this why he was here now hovering?

Jim shook his head; there was no use in obsessing about it, Spock probably had a perfectly logical reason to be here and just because he couldn't understand it didn't mean that it didn't exist.

Jim quickly shed the rest of his clothes and then he showered quickly. He missed good old-fashioned water showers but on board those things were a luxury that they couldn't afford so he just had to make due with the sonic one.

If anyone were to ask him, sonic showers might do the job but he only really felt refreshed and clean if he had a real old fashioned one, even wanking was losing its appeal when there was no water to help the glide of his hand.

Not that he could possibly be thinking about that with his Vulcan first officer next door who was probably listening intently just in case Jim did land on his ass.

And maybe that would be a good enough reason to put on a show and he was really tempted but quite frankly he did feel rather tired and he really didn't want to embarrass himself, so he quickly finished up and then tied a towel around his slim waist.

Of course he hadn't thought to bring any clean clothes with him because Spock's appearance had confused him and he was also usually in the habit to just walk around naked. It wasn't as if anyone was usually there to object to it.

“Sorry...” Jim apologized to his proper first officer, “forgot a change of clothing...”

He was busy rummaging around his drawers for a new pair of sweatpants so he didn't notice that Spock's dark gaze was lingering on his body, memorizing every curve of it.

He had just pulled up his trousers, towel discharged on the floor when Spock's voice startled him, “What happened here?” the Vulcan asked and then he did something totally out of character for him because he gently traced a faint scar on the lower end of Jim's back.

Jim turned his head around, nearly giving himself whiplash and then he frowned, scrunching up his face. “Oh that one...”he said casually, “someone didn't like me moving too much...”

He shrugged, dismissing the memory because anything that reminded him of Tarsus IV was usually best shoved back down into dark boxes of his mind, never to be accessed ever again.

“Jim...” Spock said gravely and Jim turned around, blue eyes blinking because Spoke had just used his first name and he had liked the way it had sounded, which probably meant that he had turned into a teenage girl but he still felt slightly happy to have heard Spock say it.

The moment was broken when the door chimed and without thinking about Jim just said, “Enter.”

The door opened, revealing the older Spock who now went by the name of Suvok. “Sp...Suvok...” Jim corrected himself, “Come in...”

He couldn't help the flare of happiness that ran through his body at seeing the older man again, despite the lie but Jim had decided that that one lie didn't really matter because the mind held had showed him that the Vulcan cared so clearly he shouldn't be too upset about one tiny lie.

Spock went rigid right next to him and when Jim tried to side step him to greet his friend properly, Spock actually went so far as to step in front of him, boxing Jim into the corner and blocking his path.

“The captain is still resting. If you have business to discus it would be wise if you make an appointment.” Spock said stiffly while Jim tried to peak around the taller man's back.

“Spock come on,” He said with annoyance, “let me through...” he pushed at the Vulcan and even though Spock tensed under his touch, the Vulcan didn't move.

“Jim...” Suvok's deep voice had Jim look up again, “do you wish me to come back?”

“No, no...it's fine...” Jim hurried to say but once again Spock over ruled him by actually turning around and putting both of his hands around Jim's head.

Jim blinked because this was uncharacteristic behaviour and he didn't like to be boxed in anyway.

“You are not well Captain...the doctor said you should rest...”

“Suvok is my friend...if it makes you happy I even go to bed, he can pull up a chair...”

“It would not make me happy...” Spock actually managed to snipe back at him with a totally monotone voice and Jim marvelled at the fact that the Vulcan managed to convey emotion without actually admitting to it. How long did he have to practice to learn that?

“Because that is a feeling.” Spock continued, “However for your own benefit, you should indeed rest. Without Suvok.”

Jim got the distinct impression that for whatever reason Spock was trying to stop him from talking to his other self and normally he would've put up a fight but right now he was actually too tired to mince words with his first officer.

“You win...” Jim mumbled, waving his hand and he was relieved when Spock removed his hands. “Suvok...” Jim addressed the other man, “Why don't you come back tomorrow morning when Spock has to be on the bridge?”

Spock tensed again and Jim rolled his eyes because what was wrong with him?

“It would be my pleasure Jim...until tomorrow then...” the older Vulcan tilted his head in a greeting and then with an undecipherable look towards his younger self, the older man walked out.

“I don't even want to know what that was all about...” Jim said to Spock, “You can keep your emotional non existing issues to yourself. I'm still captain of this ship and if I want to spend time with a friend of mine then I don't need your permission for it.”

“I was not aware that...”

“Oh just give it up Spock...” Jim sighed, moving away towards the bed.

“Just dim the lights a little bit, I've got a headache...”

Actually he was just fine but claiming a headache got Spock to shut up and after curling around his favourite pillow he did actually fall asleep even though he would've sworn that he wasn't tired at all.

~~

The nightmare came on swift wings and when Jim woke up, he found himself silently screaming but he hadn't even twitched in his sleep.

He closed his eyes again, working hard to even out his breathing but it took all his will to stop himself from shaking and from throwing some sort of temper tantrum.

He knew it wouldn't do any good; nightmares didn't care if he was angry at them when he woke but a good night's sleep would really be appreciated right about now.

It also royally annoyed him that for the last few years, his nightmares had receded almost to the point where he only had them a few nights every week and sometimes even less but recent events seemed to have given new fuel to his mind and it was now busy making his life a real hell.

And if he didn't find an off switch soon, Bones would find out and then who knew what would happen?

Jim sighed, slowly rolling out of bed, deciding that maybe a cup of water would do him good. Maybe even some hot milk from the replicator because hot milk was supposed to calm you down and make you sleepy.

Not that it had ever worked for him but it surely couldn't hurt and it definitely beat lying in bed and feeling sorry for himself.

Later on he would swear that when he stumbled he didn't let out an undignified meep but that was exactly what he did.

Stumbling along in the darkness, he only took a few steps, having totally forgotten that with just a simple voice command he could have activated the lights. Instead he tried to find his way in the dark and since he hadn't expected to find his first officer sitting on the floor, trying to meditate, he stumbled over his body and in a tangle of limbs and curses he crashed to the floor.

He tried to extract himself from Spock, because he had finally remembered that the Vulcan had agreed to babysit him but Spock's arms were around him, keeping him in place. Spock was underneath him and currently Jim was lying on top of him but sadly that didn't mean that he was in control at all.

“Spock?” Jim mumbled, trying to get out of his hold but instead he just managed to wiggle on top of a warm, male body and when he realized that a part of him actually liked this exercise he quickly stopped moving altogether.

“Are you injured?” Spock asked formally and when the Vulcan actually started patting down Jim's body Jim quickly shook his head, “No...no...you can let me up...all good...!”

Jim tried his winning smile and it only faltered a little bit when he realized that the room was still dark and Spock couldn't see it.

Spock did finally move and when Jim was finally on his own he quickly made his way back to the bed, sitting down.

“Lights, fifty percent...” Spock ordered and even though Jim scoffed at the fact that the Vulcan had done what he should've done in the first place, he kept his mouth shut.

Instead he redirected his thoughts by asking what Spock had been doing in the middle of the room, meditating. 

“I don't require as much sleep as humans do.” Spock answered but Jim just rolled his eyes, “Couldn't you've picked a corner to meditate in? Did you have to do it right in the middle of the room?”

“Did you have to walk around the room in darkness?” Spock shot back and Jim's eyes widened because that was the first hint of real emotion that he had seen and he smiled a little bit because even though he was no longer chasing after Spock to be his friend, a victory was still a victory.

“What ever...” Jim waved his had dismissively, flexing his shoulders because he hadn't quite realized how tense he really was and stumbling over Spock hadn't really helped loosening his muscles.

“Do you require assistance?” Spock asked, dark eyes eyeing him carefully and Jim tilted his head because he had no idea what assistance Spock was offering or asking about.

Thankfully his cock had decided that it wasn't really interested at the moment because it would've been downright scary at having the Vulcan asking him if something was wrong while sprouting an erection.

Spock's logical mind didn't really do embarrassed and Jim was quite certain that even if he did, he would make sure to ask Jim about it because it would embarrass Jim.

Seriously, at some stage he needed to talk to Spock and ask him what his deal was with the whole I don't have any emotions, I am in control while still projecting everything through body language.

Then again, no one besides him seemed to have started picking up on those clues so maybe his first point of contact should be Uhura since she was Spock's girl friend so if anyone knew the Vulcan intimately it would be her.

Though talking to her would be tricky because even though his behaviour while on duty had been nothing but exemplary, she still glared at him and every time she said Sir, it was said with a mocking undertone that clearly told Jim that she hadn't forgotten how they had met.

He had come a long way since then and he was just a little bit offended that she was still holding a grudge. And all he had done was trying to pick her up in the first place! That it had also started a bar brawl wasn't really his fault either! It had just happened!

But it was human to hold a grudge and apparently Uhura liked to stick to her opinions once they were formed.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead because he had forgotten the reason of this train of thought until Spock stepped right into his view.

Oh yes Spock...offering assistance of some kind...

“Your tense body posture indicates that your muscles are knotted up. I could ask Dr. McCoy for some muscle relaxant...”

“Oh no, that won't be necessary...”Jim immediately interrupted because he would rather keep his tense muscles than wake up Bones again. He had just let him out of sickbay, if he called him up again now he would never ever be allowed to leave again!

“I am familiar with human pressure points. If you were in agreement I could offer my help.”

Jim squinted his eyes, tilting his blond head backwards because was Spock offering him a massage?

“You're offering me a massage?” he tried to clarify because seriously he must've heard that wrong.

“Affirmative.” came the short answer and after Jim's blue eyes widened a little bit, he pinched his forearm just to make sure that he wasn't dreaming.

“Alright...” He said warily because he wasn't totally comfortable with the situation but then again he could really use a massage and while his mind had a hard time connecting Spock with a massage in the same sentence, he had to admit that if the Vulcan offered then he was probably going to be good at it. After all, it wouldn't be logical not to excel at something and to give it all he got...

Jim slowly turned around; keeping an eye on Spock while the Vulcan went to his bathroom, trying to locate something that he could as oil.

“I will return in 2.5 minutes.” Spock suddenly stated and then quickly left the room and because he had nothing better to do, Jim started timing the Vulcan and really, he did manage to return to the room just short of 2.5 minutes carrying a bottle that looked very much like some fancy massage oil.

“So you've done this for Uhura too?” Jim asked, turning his head around again and resting it on his arms while he moved around a bit until he was really comfortable.

“I do not discuss private matters.” Spock firmly stated and Jim sighed because he knew that the Vulcan was a private person, but there was privacy and there was privacy.

“Fine...” Jim mumbled in defeat and he was surprised to hear when Spock spoke again, “I have not received any complaints from her yet.”

Jim smiled and he was proud of himself that he didn't jump when hot hands finally settled on his back.

It was logical of course for Spock to sit down on his lower half because it gave the best angle to do this but it was also quite intimate and quite frankly Jim wasn't so sure that he would be able to relax enough to actually enjoy the massage.

However he changed his mind quickly when Spock managed to find just all the right pressure points and he even groaned a few times before his entire body started to go numb with pleasure.

“This feels really good...”Jim mumbled, already half asleep and for the first time he wondered if Uhura had done right by choosing Spock because the man sure knew what to do with his hands.

Just before he finally fell asleep he could've sworn to feel fingers running through his hair but he surely must've dreamt that.

~~

Someone was calling his name but Jim just groaned and turned over, pulling his pillow with him and snuggling deeper into the covers. He felt relaxed and for once just really good and he didn't want to ruin it by waking up.

“Jim?”

Jim's eyes suddenly snapped wide open and he risked a bleary look at whoever was calling him only to come fully awake in a second.

“S...Suvok...” Jim said, sitting up, brushing some hair out of his face and totally not realizing how adorable he looked while trying to make himself look a little bit more presentable.

“I hope you don't mind, Jim...” Suvok said calmly, “but when you didn't answer the door after five minutes I got concerned and had the good doctor open the door for me remotely. He was very vocal about it but in the end he did it.”

“Bones?” Jim was wide-awake now, looking around the room and he let out a sigh of relief when his friend wasn't here, hovering with a hypo ready to inject something into him.

“I believe it would be best if you were to give him a quick call just to alleviate his concerns...”

“Of course...you're right...” Jim mumbled, getting out of bed without any concern for his almost nakedness. He also didn't notice that much like his younger self from the night before, Suvok was following him with almost hungry eyes.

“Bones...” he said his friend's name when the vid screen flared to life. “I'm fine, I just overslept...”

“Did you take any drugs?” Bones narrowed his eyes, trying to diagnose Jim over the distance.

Jim rolled his eyes, “No, of course not...” he answered because he knew better than that. A few rather horrible wake up moments in the ER had told him early on that even recreational drugs weren't something that he could tolerate. If he wanted to get happy and have a good time he always kept to the good old methods: booze and sex.

Bones still looked unconvinced but after Jim sent another radiant smile towards his friend, he actually smiled back and just disconnected. Some people thought Bones was rude and just loud but that was just a mask to protect his caring heart.

Despite his comments and rather crude behaviour, Bones was a really good doctor, a genius even if Jim were to believe some people and for his friend, being gruff and hostile was just his own way to protect himself.

Jim's way was to be overly friendly and be charming while Bones just scared people off.

Maybe in a very distant future, he could ask Spock to run a test to see which method worked best but then again that would require for them to actually talk and to be able to share some private things with each other so clearly that little research project was never going to happen.

“Would you like me to prepare some breakfast for you?” Suvok shook Jim out of his thoughts and he was reminded that he had asked the older man over for breakfast, as his guest and so clearly it should be Jim preparing the food.

“Oh no, you're my guest...I'm sorry...” Jim babbled, ruffling his hair again because it just now hit him how awkward and humiliating this really was.

He forgot all about that though when Suvok actually chuckled and Jim just stood there gaping because it proved that if he wanted to, Spock could actually laugh! The stubborn Vulcan was just too proud or something to give into his human side!

“Why don't you clean up a bit and by the time you're done I'll have breakfast ready...” Suvok offered, a faint smile still tugging on the edge of his mouth and Jim just nodded because it was probably a good idea to wash his face and maybe even to put some more clothes on because he was starting to feel slightly naked in his sweatpants.

He refrained from tugging at them to pull them higher up because right now they were hanging rather loose on his hips. He looked down, frowning and realizing that he must've lost some more weight because he couldn't remember that these pants were supposed to be that loose.

“I'm sorry Jim...” Suvok startled him again and before Jim knew what was happening, he was pressed into the wall with a Vulcan cutting off his escape routes.

Suvok leaned closer, his hot breath ghosting over Jim's exposed neck and he was pretty certain that he must've looked like some deer caught in the headlights because he had no idea what was going on.

“Just trust me on this one...It's for the best...you'll thank me later...” Suvok whispered into his ear which had Jim shuddering and instinctively he tried to shove Suvok off of him. 

It was of course almost perfect timing that Spock chose to let himself into Jim's quarters when Jim was trying to half heartedly shove Suvok off of him while simultaneously trying to process the cryptic words his friend had mumbled into his ear.

There was a roar that Jim almost recognized as having heard before; once when he had been in the shuttle and the second time when the crazy admiral had kidnapped him.

It had been Spock making that sound?

Suvok was suddenly yanked off Jim and the blond man just stood there staring, chest heaving because he had no clue what was going on.

Suvok looked almost smug, as if he had gotten exactly the reaction from Spock that he had wanted which told Jim that his friend was up to something. Just like before, when he hadn't so much lied as implied, Suvok had the same look in his eyes and Jim narrowed his own blue eyes slightly because he sincerely hoped that this wasn't some sort of joke on his expense.

“I told you before to get your hands off my captain...” Spock almost snarled and Jim just stood there, glued to the wall because he really wasn't so sure what he was seeing.

“He's my t'hy'la...” Suvok replied and Jim frowned again because he had heard that word before he just couldn't exactly place were.

Maybe when he had been floating in and out of consciousness in sick bay? Hadn't Suvok then been holding his hand too?

Wait a minute...a Vulcan touching his hand this intimately that meant...

His train of thought was once again interrupted before it could reach its conclusion by Spock once again emitting a low growl and with wide eyes Jim watched the Vulcan practically throw his own older version out of Jim's quarters.

“If Jim's anyone's t'hy'la then he is mine...” Spock managed to spit out and before the door closed in Suvok's face, he added, “You've lost your Jim, he is mine.”

Jim still just stood there because he had no clue what had just happened.

First of all Suvok had come on to him but he was pretty certain that the old man hadn't actually meant to follow through. The attraction had been there, the yearning Jim had seen in the older man's face had been real but he also knew that it hadn't been fully for him. Suvok had lost his own Jim probably a while ago and having the younger, other reality version so close had obviously opened up old wounds.

That didn't explain though why Suvok had chosen to antagonize his younger self or why Spock had firmly proclaimed Jim to be his within the span of a few seconds.

“Uh...” he said slowly, “What was that?”

Spock turned around, fully composed once again but the heat was still in his dark eyes and Jim found himself mesmerized.

He didn't object when Spock guided him to a chair.

“Are you well Jim?” he was asked and Jim just nodded, rubbing his face because this was way too much excitement after having just woken up.

“What is...t'hy...la...?” he asked slowly, trying to recall the name he had been called but he wasn't so sure if he succeeded.

“It is an old Vulcan word meaning friend, brother and lover.” Spock answered calmly and Jim nodded even though he really didn't understand anything.

“And why did you call me that?” he didn't specify which Spock had used the name because it didn't matter. Two men had called him by that name and he wanted to know what it meant for him.

“It denotes a sacred bond between two men and it is my conclusion that in the other reality my other self and your other self shared such a bond.” Spock explained, once again voice all reasonable but Jim could practically sense the subtext. There was more to it but getting it out of Spock was going to take patience and he really didn't have that.

“While I understand Suvok's loss...” Spock continued on his own, “He cannot have you because if you are to share such a bond with anyone it should be with me and not with my older version from a different reality. He doesn't have a claim here...” claim on you...that was what Spock hadn't said but Jim still heard it loud and clear.

The problem was that he heard the words, understood them to some degree but he still had no idea what they meant.

He rubbed his face again, deciding that he really had enough.

“I'm going to have some breakfast and then read up on some reports...” he said slowly, getting up and fully expecting Spock to do the same.

“Aren't you supposed to be on duty?” he finally said when Spock didn't move and Jim ignored the look of confusion that flashed across Spock's face. 

He was done trying to decipher what was going on.

For months he had chased after the Vulcan, trying to form a bond of sorts, to gain his friendship and he had been refused every single time.

Now, when someone else paid a little bit of interest to him Spock finally decided to stake his claim? And Jim wasn't something that could be won, he didn't belong to anyone and even though it hurt to let go, he wasn't going to allow Spock to play with him.

The Vulcan wasn't cruel by nature; he knew that but after wrecking his head for months to find a way to get closer to him, to find a way to understand him he was finally done trying.

And he would be dammed if he let the Vulcan into his life now because if he then turned around and decided that Jim wasn't worth it after all, he wasn't so sure if he could take that.

He had put himself out there on the edge for the first time in his life, chasing after a friendship that he knew that could be great but he had his own pride, he wasn't going to allow his first officer to mess with his head.

Something was going on; there was subtext involved that he didn't understand and he had more important things to figure out than trying to pry yet another hole into the Vulcan's mind.

Jim had his own demons to fight and maybe it was time that he focused on that.

“Of course. “ Spock nodded and with a wave of his hand Jim simply dismissed him because he hadn't been joking when he had decided that enough was enough.

Spock had wanted to be nothing but colleagues; well he would get just that.


End file.
